humility

I am intrigued by wisdom, by competence, by resourcefulness.
I am impressed by strength, by ability, by risk taking.
I respect professionalism, trusted authority, specialists.
But what does it for me… what really awe and inspires me….

Humility.

I don’t mean modesty, or submissiveness, or passiveness.

And I wonder if it’s even attainable in its purist form.

It doesn’t, to me, feel like a learned skill. (Sometimes a book, like a pill, is the first thing we reach for to find, build, attain something valuable.)

I think it comes, it just evolves, partly from consistently practicing other virtues that together changes you. But mostly, really mostly from carrying a load so heavy that only humility can carry it. And another load, and still more. All without complaint, or anger, or resentment. Because you trust there is meaning behind the burden.

I trust.

If I sense true, pure, earned humility in you. Then you are one of my heroes.

ego

I’ve been thinking today about how we all share basic, fundamental needs related to ego. And it’s how we manifest and feed those requirements that either elevates us or not. And the beauty is we have total freedom in our choices and decisions and actions.

I forget this truth. Because I want to “fit in”. Because I want to feel accepted. Because I want to boost my ego through the mirror of others. And I watch others, unconsciously at times, do the same through negativity.

I’ve always had this ability to be able to step back, apart from my ego, and through awareness..find the gap. I’m trying to live in the gap, in that small distance that allows me to pause and decide my next step rather than blindly feed the hole despite the damage I may inflict on myself or others.

Yes, I’m being general, maybe because the details are mundane and even boring. It’s the uncovering of each tangled root that interests me. That keeps me thinking and questioning and reaching to live above the dictates of my ego.

And the most important thing is ... I’m determined now to only invest in those who get it.

What i've learned this week:

Don’t hide, avoid, assume .. it makes things worse.

Be or even Act interested in everyone, even if you’re not…because soon you will be.

Don’t put up with or cave into gossip, backbiting, negativity, even if it’s coming from my own head.

Acknowledge and own up to my mistakes/bad choices…and Accept, without complaint, the natural consequences, especially when they seem painful and unfair.

Fix where you can, accept the fallout, move forward and do better. Be better. Even when others don’t… because sometimes, rarely, they will follow you.

And, especially, Gratitude for everything and everyone at every moment of every single day of my life.

Weary

I must remember the trite cliché .. “the joy is in the journey.. not the destination.” Because I’ll never arrive. And that’s the good news. There’s always the next thing. And sometimes two or three things. Actually, not sometimes… usually.

I’m still, still searching for my form of enlightenment. And it doesn’t, for me at least, come in the form of a tattoo, or a t-shirt, or a routine. For me at least, it comes in random pieces, during a late night, tearful walk with the dog. Or sometimes in the pages of the stack of books on my bedroom floor. Or even in the middle of a boring, staff meeting, when my mind is half engaged and half wandering. And lately, through fading pieces of bizarre disturbing dreams.

I can’t save or fix or even help what is broken around me. And maybe I’m not meant to. It’s their joy to find in their own journey. Who am I to disrupt or intervene?

And there are so many voices screaming so many opinions, I’m sick of the shouting match. There is way more grey in my world than there used to be. I sometimes long for the black and white again, but I refuse to be so naive. I want to be around those who can see the big picture. I want to know you if you are looking, questioning, searching, asking, open as I still am.

And if you are so sure of everything in your world, please, shut up about it. It's boring.

Me square, You circle

so my latest thing...cause i always have a 'thing'... goes like this.

this feeling that i don't ever, really, completely fit in. and the feeling is not new. it's been around for years, and more so in recent years. but lately i'm becoming aware of it in a new way. sort of looking at it from a different angle, without judgement. as a spectator.

i have various social scenes, where i'm amid groups with similar circumstances, positions, pasts. and me standing in the center of each community, surrounded by a circle of commonality. and me, the big red square peg looking for a way to shave my sides so i can just, for once, fit in.

to feel that feeling. of just for once....fitting.

and then today. as i sat once again in the center of the circle looking up at the clasped hands of homologue, the smiles of similarity.

this time i didn't have 'that' feeling. i had this feeling.

this feeling that i was exactly in the right place. this feeling that these big fat blue circles really need a big fat red square. and not one to mold and shape and change to fit itself into their center. i realized i could teach them what it's like to be a freaking red square.

so today i stopped. and i can't wait to see what happens next.

patience

so, I was in a bookstore last January, thumbing through the wall calendars, well, because it has to fit, it’s kind of a commitment. i’m going to spend 365 days looking at this thing so i wanted something that feels right, and sort of sets the tone for the year. and I found it in the art of Rodney White. not only do I love the aged, retro look, but the thing I dig most about his work is what he says.

see, like this one:

“Patience is knowing it will happen & giving it time to.”

… and you know, I would add:

“Patience is knowing it will happen, doing what I know I need to do, & giving it time to.”

because it’s true. i feel it. and i’m getting pretty good at recognizing truth, but not recognizing it just through feelings,.. it’s deeper than just through feelings. (which is an interesting topic to me…)

but patience….it’s what’s pushed me forward and through since 4:30pm Sept. 8 2005. and truthfully, I didn’t always “know it will happen”. sometimes…many times, i had to trust that part. trust in others who said they knew, trust in a God who knows past/future and every other direction. and trust the small part of me that hoped, but didn’t quite know.

i’m not sure which part is harder though, "doing what i know i need to do" … "or giving it time to". i do know that every time i move in the direction that truth dictates, (especially during the moments i’m getting whipped around on a rollercoaster of feelings) i get closer to knowing it will happen. and doing is essential. it really is. just..waiting is not patience. it really isn’t.

and "giving it time to" is not waiting. to me, it’s about not giving up. actually, it’s continuing to show up, every day, and at times, every single minute. i must show up in my life.

i’ve recently experienced loss on many levels and sometimes almost all at once. i’ve learned i can’t control the myriad of emotions that freely invade my head throughout the day, every day…but I can stop trying to, and recognize they are not truth. My constant doing what i know i should do, despite them, is what grounds me to the truth that ultimately leads me to knowing it will happen.

and then…sometimes, it does.