incomplete

I found a new one. Why does the first time always feel like a blind date? And she does the hand thing, just like I like. Funny how I can be touched (almost) everywhere, yet when she gets to my hands, it feels .. intimate. That’s the part where I get butterflies, if it’s with the right person. I knew she would be my new one because I didn’t find myself comparing her after the first five minutes. I was too distracted, too surprised by each sensation. She has her own unique techniques and I approved each one. At one point, I forgot what she looks like, our introduction was so brief, I didn’t have time to process it. I know her touch, her hands, better than her face. Sort of like getting to know someone through the computer, words on a screen, text messages, sometimes a voice, possibly a skype session, but not quite the entire person. Always incomplete.

on first days…

I keep having that panic feeling, like I’m in over my head.

I sit there, listening and giving the impression that I’m engaged, focused. But inside I’m envisioning myself bolting from the room, running out to my car and driving away with a cloud of exhaust trailing behind, like a scene from a lame comedy.

I smile and ask questions that I hope don’t reveal the insecurity I keep trying to swallow away. My stomach churns from the effort.

I assume they are assessing me behind our conversation, as I am them, noting every cue through word or mannerism that might disclose the possibility of failure.

a good life

“mary? Are you ever lonely?”

“not too often, daddy, I have a good life.”

“I’m glad.”

test

check test check’s in the mail

hero

I ran into someone today. Just as she turned to look at me, I noticed her, too. Her face lit up and she embraced me, like an old friend.

Because I used to see her, once a month, for two years. And she’d always greet me with a friendly face and goofy story, probably her way of trying to mix a little lightheartedness with the heavy smell of the alcohol swabs and chemicals. She’d describe the latest antics of her crazy husband in such an animated way that the needle in my chest was like another member of the audience rather than an intrusion. I’d glance at the old woman in the chair next to me, the scarf around her bald head, the blanket tucked under her chin, sleepy, yet alert enough to follow along. Truthfully, all of us welcomed this distraction. She probably knew that.

She asked if I still had it. I covered my chest with my hand and smiled as I answered.

I thought about this bond we shared, as I walked to my car. And the depth of our connection I didn’t know, ten minutes earlier, even existed.

She’s one of my heros.

uncertainty

How do you make a decision between two uncertainties?

I think my answer to that question is different now than it used to be even a few years ago. I’m figuring out that my answer to a lot of things now is different than the recent past. Age, hormones (or lack of), experience, circumstance, evolution all probably contribute. Some events have changed me forever and I keep trying to figure out who I am now, why do I react this way instead of the usual that way? And sometimes I have flashbacks of the person I've been the last four decades. Is this what middle agedness looks like?

I’m trying to embrace the uncertainty in life. Because there is so much uncertainty, and getting my arms around it might help.

Maybe…

I'm not sure.

attraction

I’m growing obsessed with the law of attraction. Energy flows where attention goes. Definitely.

Funny how some truths don’t sink in until they’re packaged in a clown suit. I’ve known of it all along, under a different guise. I think, because I’m so close to it, I’m blinded. And whether I’m summoning the universe, or God, does it matter? As long as I’m wrapped up in gratitude, and awareness, and progression. and I ask.. and believe.. and receive.

And lately, I’m all about visualization. Because, for me, that’s been the missing piece. My worn out shoes from the spinning mouse wheel are proof. And so now I take time, I’m still, I’m open. Finally, in tune to what I want. What it is I really want when all external pressure and internal dialog is stripped away. And to see it so clearly, so intensely. There is power in the mind.

So my latest thing, among all of this, is to direct my attention, my energy, my intentions so that they are in alignment with what’s on my list. I believe that’s where miracles happen, and people, circumstances and situations start to shift in surprising directions. And the most important thing, for me, is to stay aware of them and especially… act on them.

Focus

Focus…

not on their negativity and hypocrisy…but on my awareness, on my ability to step outside their mud puddle.

not on her demand for attention, her antics to be acknowledged…but on my self-sufficiency, on my professionalism.

not on their back-biting, gossiping, small-minded, hateful attempts of ego-inflation…but on being, doing, saying, thinking, projecting everything its opposite. On humility, first.

not on being invisible to them…but being free of them.

not on hostility…but on being open.

Open during every challenge, ruffle, burden, puzzle, irritation that comes…

Focus on that, for now.

Change

They say: “nothing stays the same”, “change is the only constant”, “All is flux; nothing stays still.”

And yet, why do the same things, the same people, the same situations repeat?
They move around me, randomly, in and out of my lap.
Movement is not change.

“Well, you must have not learned your lesson!”

Please. That lesson book has been stained with red ink, wrinkled pages, and slammed shut long ago. I’ve learned.

Trust me.

I’ve white-knuckled through the growing pains, already. I’ve shifted, acknowledged, amended, and changed.

So, why, this, again?

humility

I am intrigued by wisdom, by competence, by resourcefulness.
I am impressed by strength, by ability, by risk taking.
I respect professionalism, trusted authority, specialists.
But what does it for me… what really awe and inspires me….

Humility.

I don’t mean modesty, or submissiveness, or passiveness.

And I wonder if it’s even attainable in its purist form.

It doesn’t, to me, feel like a learned skill. (Sometimes a book, like a pill, is the first thing we reach for to find, build, attain something valuable.)

I think it comes, it just evolves, partly from consistently practicing other virtues that together changes you. But mostly, really mostly from carrying a load so heavy that only humility can carry it. And another load, and still more. All without complaint, or anger, or resentment. Because you trust there is meaning behind the burden.

I trust.

If I sense true, pure, earned humility in you. Then you are one of my heroes.

ego

I’ve been thinking today about how we all share basic, fundamental needs related to ego. And it’s how we manifest and feed those requirements that either elevates us or not. And the beauty is we have total freedom in our choices and decisions and actions.

I forget this truth. Because I want to “fit in”. Because I want to feel accepted. Because I want to boost my ego through the mirror of others. And I watch others, unconsciously at times, do the same through negativity.

I’ve always had this ability to be able to step back, apart from my ego, and through awareness..find the gap. I’m trying to live in the gap, in that small distance that allows me to pause and decide my next step rather than blindly feed the hole despite the damage I may inflict on myself or others.

Yes, I’m being general, maybe because the details are mundane and even boring. It’s the uncovering of each tangled root that interests me. That keeps me thinking and questioning and reaching to live above the dictates of my ego.

And the most important thing is ... I’m determined now to only invest in those who get it.

What i've learned this week:

Don’t hide, avoid, assume .. it makes things worse.

Be or even Act interested in everyone, even if you’re not…because soon you will be.

Don’t put up with or cave into gossip, backbiting, negativity, even if it’s coming from my own head.

Acknowledge and own up to my mistakes/bad choices…and Accept, without complaint, the natural consequences, especially when they seem painful and unfair.

Fix where you can, accept the fallout, move forward and do better. Be better. Even when others don’t… because sometimes, rarely, they will follow you.

And, especially, Gratitude for everything and everyone at every moment of every single day of my life.

Weary

I must remember the trite cliché .. “the joy is in the journey.. not the destination.” Because I’ll never arrive. And that’s the good news. There’s always the next thing. And sometimes two or three things. Actually, not sometimes… usually.

I’m still, still searching for my form of enlightenment. And it doesn’t, for me at least, come in the form of a tattoo, or a t-shirt, or a routine. For me at least, it comes in random pieces, during a late night, tearful walk with the dog. Or sometimes in the pages of the stack of books on my bedroom floor. Or even in the middle of a boring, staff meeting, when my mind is half engaged and half wandering. And lately, through fading pieces of bizarre disturbing dreams.

I can’t save or fix or even help what is broken around me. And maybe I’m not meant to. It’s their joy to find in their own journey. Who am I to disrupt or intervene?

And there are so many voices screaming so many opinions, I’m sick of the shouting match. There is way more grey in my world than there used to be. I sometimes long for the black and white again, but I refuse to be so naive. I want to be around those who can see the big picture. I want to know you if you are looking, questioning, searching, asking, open as I still am.

And if you are so sure of everything in your world, please, shut up about it. It's boring.

Me square, You circle

so my latest thing...cause i always have a 'thing'... goes like this.

this feeling that i don't ever, really, completely fit in. and the feeling is not new. it's been around for years, and more so in recent years. but lately i'm becoming aware of it in a new way. sort of looking at it from a different angle, without judgement. as a spectator.

i have various social scenes, where i'm amid groups with similar circumstances, positions, pasts. and me standing in the center of each community, surrounded by a circle of commonality. and me, the big red square peg looking for a way to shave my sides so i can just, for once, fit in.

to feel that feeling. of just for once....fitting.

and then today. as i sat once again in the center of the circle looking up at the clasped hands of homologue, the smiles of similarity.

this time i didn't have 'that' feeling. i had this feeling.

this feeling that i was exactly in the right place. this feeling that these big fat blue circles really need a big fat red square. and not one to mold and shape and change to fit itself into their center. i realized i could teach them what it's like to be a freaking red square.

so today i stopped. and i can't wait to see what happens next.

patience

so, I was in a bookstore last January, thumbing through the wall calendars, well, because it has to fit, it’s kind of a commitment. i’m going to spend 365 days looking at this thing so i wanted something that feels right, and sort of sets the tone for the year. and I found it in the art of Rodney White. not only do I love the aged, retro look, but the thing I dig most about his work is what he says.

see, like this one:

“Patience is knowing it will happen & giving it time to.”

… and you know, I would add:

“Patience is knowing it will happen, doing what I know I need to do, & giving it time to.”

because it’s true. i feel it. and i’m getting pretty good at recognizing truth, but not recognizing it just through feelings,.. it’s deeper than just through feelings. (which is an interesting topic to me…)

but patience….it’s what’s pushed me forward and through since 4:30pm Sept. 8 2005. and truthfully, I didn’t always “know it will happen”. sometimes…many times, i had to trust that part. trust in others who said they knew, trust in a God who knows past/future and every other direction. and trust the small part of me that hoped, but didn’t quite know.

i’m not sure which part is harder though, "doing what i know i need to do" … "or giving it time to". i do know that every time i move in the direction that truth dictates, (especially during the moments i’m getting whipped around on a rollercoaster of feelings) i get closer to knowing it will happen. and doing is essential. it really is. just..waiting is not patience. it really isn’t.

and "giving it time to" is not waiting. to me, it’s about not giving up. actually, it’s continuing to show up, every day, and at times, every single minute. i must show up in my life.

i’ve recently experienced loss on many levels and sometimes almost all at once. i’ve learned i can’t control the myriad of emotions that freely invade my head throughout the day, every day…but I can stop trying to, and recognize they are not truth. My constant doing what i know i should do, despite them, is what grounds me to the truth that ultimately leads me to knowing it will happen.

and then…sometimes, it does.