Me square, You circle

so my latest thing...cause i always have a 'thing'... goes like this.

this feeling that i don't ever, really, completely fit in. and the feeling is not new. it's been around for years, and more so in recent years. but lately i'm becoming aware of it in a new way. sort of looking at it from a different angle, without judgement. as a spectator.

i have various social scenes, where i'm amid groups with similar circumstances, positions, pasts. and me standing in the center of each community, surrounded by a circle of commonality. and me, the big red square peg looking for a way to shave my sides so i can just, for once, fit in.

to feel that feeling. of just for once....fitting.

and then today. as i sat once again in the center of the circle looking up at the clasped hands of homologue, the smiles of similarity.

this time i didn't have 'that' feeling. i had this feeling.

this feeling that i was exactly in the right place. this feeling that these big fat blue circles really need a big fat red square. and not one to mold and shape and change to fit itself into their center. i realized i could teach them what it's like to be a freaking red square.

so today i stopped. and i can't wait to see what happens next.

patience

so, I was in a bookstore last January, thumbing through the wall calendars, well, because it has to fit, it’s kind of a commitment. i’m going to spend 365 days looking at this thing so i wanted something that feels right, and sort of sets the tone for the year. and I found it in the art of Rodney White. not only do I love the aged, retro look, but the thing I dig most about his work is what he says.

see, like this one:

“Patience is knowing it will happen & giving it time to.”

… and you know, I would add:

“Patience is knowing it will happen, doing what I know I need to do, & giving it time to.”

because it’s true. i feel it. and i’m getting pretty good at recognizing truth, but not recognizing it just through feelings,.. it’s deeper than just through feelings. (which is an interesting topic to me…)

but patience….it’s what’s pushed me forward and through since 4:30pm Sept. 8 2005. and truthfully, I didn’t always “know it will happen”. sometimes…many times, i had to trust that part. trust in others who said they knew, trust in a God who knows past/future and every other direction. and trust the small part of me that hoped, but didn’t quite know.

i’m not sure which part is harder though, "doing what i know i need to do" … "or giving it time to". i do know that every time i move in the direction that truth dictates, (especially during the moments i’m getting whipped around on a rollercoaster of feelings) i get closer to knowing it will happen. and doing is essential. it really is. just..waiting is not patience. it really isn’t.

and "giving it time to" is not waiting. to me, it’s about not giving up. actually, it’s continuing to show up, every day, and at times, every single minute. i must show up in my life.

i’ve recently experienced loss on many levels and sometimes almost all at once. i’ve learned i can’t control the myriad of emotions that freely invade my head throughout the day, every day…but I can stop trying to, and recognize they are not truth. My constant doing what i know i should do, despite them, is what grounds me to the truth that ultimately leads me to knowing it will happen.

and then…sometimes, it does.