Friday, June 10, 2011


I found a new one. Why does the first time always feel like a blind date? And she does the hand thing, just like I like. Funny how I can be touched (almost) everywhere, yet when she gets to my hands, it feels .. intimate. That’s the part where I get butterflies, if it’s with the right person. I knew she would be my new one because I didn’t find myself comparing her after the first five minutes. I was too distracted, too surprised by each sensation. She has her own unique techniques and I approved each one. At one point, I forgot what she looks like, our introduction was so brief, I didn’t have time to process it. I know her touch, her hands, better than her face. Sort of like getting to know someone through the computer, words on a screen, text messages, sometimes a voice, possibly a skype session, but not quite the entire person. Always incomplete.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

on first days…

I keep having that panic feeling, like I’m in over my head.

I sit there, listening and giving the impression that I’m engaged, focused. But inside I’m envisioning myself bolting from the room, running out to my car and driving away with a cloud of exhaust trailing behind, like a scene from a lame comedy.

I smile and ask questions that I hope don’t reveal the insecurity I keep trying to swallow away. My stomach churns from the effort.

I assume they are assessing me behind our conversation, as I am them, noting every cue through word or mannerism that might disclose the possibility of failure.

a good life

“mary? Are you ever lonely?”

“not too often, daddy, I have a good life.”

“I’m glad.”