incomplete

I found a new one. Why does the first time always feel like a blind date? And she does the hand thing, just like I like. Funny how I can be touched (almost) everywhere, yet when she gets to my hands, it feels .. intimate. That’s the part where I get butterflies, if it’s with the right person. I knew she would be my new one because I didn’t find myself comparing her after the first five minutes. I was too distracted, too surprised by each sensation. She has her own unique techniques and I approved each one. At one point, I forgot what she looks like, our introduction was so brief, I didn’t have time to process it. I know her touch, her hands, better than her face. Sort of like getting to know someone through the computer, words on a screen, text messages, sometimes a voice, possibly a skype session, but not quite the entire person. Always incomplete.

on first days…

I keep having that panic feeling, like I’m in over my head.

I sit there, listening and giving the impression that I’m engaged, focused. But inside I’m envisioning myself bolting from the room, running out to my car and driving away with a cloud of exhaust trailing behind, like a scene from a lame comedy.

I smile and ask questions that I hope don’t reveal the insecurity I keep trying to swallow away. My stomach churns from the effort.

I assume they are assessing me behind our conversation, as I am them, noting every cue through word or mannerism that might disclose the possibility of failure.

a good life

“mary? Are you ever lonely?”

“not too often, daddy, I have a good life.”

“I’m glad.”

test

check test check’s in the mail

hero

I ran into someone today. Just as she turned to look at me, I noticed her, too. Her face lit up and she embraced me, like an old friend.

Because I used to see her, once a month, for two years. And she’d always greet me with a friendly face and goofy story, probably her way of trying to mix a little lightheartedness with the heavy smell of the alcohol swabs and chemicals. She’d describe the latest antics of her crazy husband in such an animated way that the needle in my chest was like another member of the audience rather than an intrusion. I’d glance at the old woman in the chair next to me, the scarf around her bald head, the blanket tucked under her chin, sleepy, yet alert enough to follow along. Truthfully, all of us welcomed this distraction. She probably knew that.

She asked if I still had it. I covered my chest with my hand and smiled as I answered.

I thought about this bond we shared, as I walked to my car. And the depth of our connection I didn’t know, ten minutes earlier, even existed.

She’s one of my heros.

uncertainty

How do you make a decision between two uncertainties?

I think my answer to that question is different now than it used to be even a few years ago. I’m figuring out that my answer to a lot of things now is different than the recent past. Age, hormones (or lack of), experience, circumstance, evolution all probably contribute. Some events have changed me forever and I keep trying to figure out who I am now, why do I react this way instead of the usual that way? And sometimes I have flashbacks of the person I've been the last four decades. Is this what middle agedness looks like?

I’m trying to embrace the uncertainty in life. Because there is so much uncertainty, and getting my arms around it might help.

Maybe…

I'm not sure.

attraction

I’m growing obsessed with the law of attraction. Energy flows where attention goes. Definitely.

Funny how some truths don’t sink in until they’re packaged in a clown suit. I’ve known of it all along, under a different guise. I think, because I’m so close to it, I’m blinded. And whether I’m summoning the universe, or God, does it matter? As long as I’m wrapped up in gratitude, and awareness, and progression. and I ask.. and believe.. and receive.

And lately, I’m all about visualization. Because, for me, that’s been the missing piece. My worn out shoes from the spinning mouse wheel are proof. And so now I take time, I’m still, I’m open. Finally, in tune to what I want. What it is I really want when all external pressure and internal dialog is stripped away. And to see it so clearly, so intensely. There is power in the mind.

So my latest thing, among all of this, is to direct my attention, my energy, my intentions so that they are in alignment with what’s on my list. I believe that’s where miracles happen, and people, circumstances and situations start to shift in surprising directions. And the most important thing, for me, is to stay aware of them and especially… act on them.