Wednesday, August 6, 2008
so my latest thing...cause i always have a 'thing'... goes like this.
this feeling that i don't ever, really, completely fit in. and the feeling is not new. it's been around for years, and more so in recent years. but lately i'm becoming aware of it in a new way. sort of looking at it from a different angle, without judgement. as a spectator.
i have various social scenes, where i'm amid groups with similar circumstances, positions, pasts. and me standing in the center of each community, surrounded by a circle of commonality. and me, the big red square peg looking for a way to shave my sides so i can just, for once, fit in.
to feel that feeling. of just for once....fitting.
and then today. as i sat once again in the center of the circle looking up at the clasped hands of homologue, the smiles of similarity.
this time i didn't have 'that' feeling. i had this feeling.
this feeling that i was exactly in the right place. this feeling that these big fat blue circles really need a big fat red square. and not one to mold and shape and change to fit itself into their center. i realized i could teach them what it's like to be a freaking red square.
so today i stopped. and i can't wait to see what happens next.